It's been a while...

So yeah, wow. Long time no blog right? Last blog was right after Mother's Day and summer hadn't quite started yet. I had never been happier to see summer. If I couldn't break out of those walls and soon, I would've had a major brain melt. Luckily summer came right in time and it's been great.

Well, this week was D-Day for us. This is when Xavier was supposed to be born. There are a lot of "supposed to" type things that keep popping up.

1. You're not "supposed to" bury your child. Undercooked or not, it's just not the natural order of things. He was a piece of us. Jamie and I made that baby, he lived in me, and he is "supposed to" be in our arms right now not in the ground.

2. You're not "supposed to" hold your son for a few minutes and then say good-bye.

3. I'm not "supposed to" be just hanging out enjoying my summer. I should be making sure the baby bed is ready, stacking diapers, and rocking in my rocking chair.

4. We're not "supposed to" go through fertility treatments, be blessing with a child, then have him taken away from us.

I don't know all of the answers, the whys, or the what-fors. What I do know is that I've learned a lot from those "supposed tos". Things happen and we have no control over them. What is "supposed to" happen is a state of mind...an ideal. I've figured out (like in the last 30 seconds) that if I focus on "supposed to" instead of what is, then I'll never heal. I want to heal. I want to think back to Xavier with joy not sadness. Joy because we finally got to feel like parents, joy because I got to touch him and hold him if only for a second, joy because I was blessed enough to feel God's power and peace in the delivery room that night with my closest family and friend.

I'm struggling, but I'm a survivor...