Will 24s always hurt?

I went dark, I disappeared. Self preservation, to maintain some sort of sanity, or homicide prevention...whatever the reason, sometimes it's just safer to hibernate. It's been since the middle of March since I blogged so I thought I'd finally come out long enough to say hey. Yesterday (April 24th or "the 24" as I call it) was exactly 2 months since Xavier was delivered. It was a rough day...24s hurt.

I've been through the whole gambit of emotions. You read about heart break and you think of some metaphorical literary artsy fartsy use of the word to signify deep emotional pain. There's nothing metaphorical about it...it's real and very very physical. I, at times, felt the literal pain in my chest from the indescribable emptiness and sadness. I felt like I couldn't take a deep breath for the heaviness in my chest. I totally get why unbalanced people would throw themselves off of a bridge. Luckily I'm a balanced insightful person. I'm SO SO SO blessed with a strong religious foundation, amazing family, an incredibly strong and faithful husband, and some of the best friends anyone could ask for. So no bridge jumping for me (like I'd ever consider that anyway...I'm way to cute to smash myself to pieces LOL)

I've had moments of intense anger. Unspeakable rage would blind me. The anger was generally not at anyone or anything specific. It was mostly at the unfairness of the whole situation. As much as it scares me to type this, I'll admit I was angry with God. He's the Great Physician right? The Great Healer? The Almighty? Well then if it's in His power to heal then why WHY didn't I get healed? He can do it, I've read about it, I've seen it. So why not me? Why not my baby? Wow, yeah can you say unhealthy? So yesterday when I woke up, as part of my morning ritual I was checking my email and stuff. A friend of mine sent me this cute little story about the goofy shenanigans a son was pulling in a public bathroom. It ended with "Isn't great to be a parent" I cracked...glue melted all over the place. How the hell would I know what it's like being a parent? Why would she send me that?? I stopped and prayed (well mostly yelled in unintelligible snotty desperation) God I'm SO tired of feeling SO hurt. Hurt is really not even a good word for it. It's not intense enough. I opened my eyes and continued on with the emails. The next one was a daily funny I get titled "A letter 'funny'" I opened it and this is what it was:

To My Child,

Good morning, this is GOD.

Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If you encounter a situation you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (Something For God To Do) box. It will be addressed in MY TIME, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it nor remove it. Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem. If it is a situation you think you are capable of handling, please consult me in prayer to be sure that it is the proper resolution. Because I do not sleep, nor do I slumber, there is no need for you to lose any sleep. Please rest my child.

If you need to contact me, I am only a prayer away. My prayer line is open 24 hours of your day. I love you and will always be with you wherever you may go. As with all good things, pass my message on.

Love, GOD

Wow... so yay for answered prayers. I know that He has a plan. I know that He's in charge not me. How dare I even think I'm more capable than Him. I need to work on the communication between my head and my heart.


So, one more thing before I go. People forget that we buried out son 8 weeks ago. Just 8 weeks. I screw on a happy face to go to work. I teach 140ish 8th graders. I can't be melting all over the place. And truth be told I like the mundane routine of it all. It keeps me going and makes me feel "normal". Sometimes though when the face I wear does not match my emotions it is exhausting. People only see (because that's all I let them see) my happy face. While my happy "normal" Misty moments drastically outweigh the manic throw a chair through the window moments, I still hurt. I still ache and I still want my baby inside me where he should have been at this point. Don't forget that my heart's still in pieces and sometimes it's all I can take to put one foot in front of the other. Be patient with me. There were two people, they are husband and wife actually, that called me on the 24. They knew "the 24" would kick my butt. One stopped by the house and one texted me. They were the only ones that remembered the 24. You know who you are...you are very special to me and my heart is lighter because of your compassion. Thank you on so many levels, thank you!