It's been a while...

So yeah, wow. Long time no blog right? Last blog was right after Mother's Day and summer hadn't quite started yet. I had never been happier to see summer. If I couldn't break out of those walls and soon, I would've had a major brain melt. Luckily summer came right in time and it's been great.

Well, this week was D-Day for us. This is when Xavier was supposed to be born. There are a lot of "supposed to" type things that keep popping up.

1. You're not "supposed to" bury your child. Undercooked or not, it's just not the natural order of things. He was a piece of us. Jamie and I made that baby, he lived in me, and he is "supposed to" be in our arms right now not in the ground.

2. You're not "supposed to" hold your son for a few minutes and then say good-bye.

3. I'm not "supposed to" be just hanging out enjoying my summer. I should be making sure the baby bed is ready, stacking diapers, and rocking in my rocking chair.

4. We're not "supposed to" go through fertility treatments, be blessing with a child, then have him taken away from us.

I don't know all of the answers, the whys, or the what-fors. What I do know is that I've learned a lot from those "supposed tos". Things happen and we have no control over them. What is "supposed to" happen is a state of mind...an ideal. I've figured out (like in the last 30 seconds) that if I focus on "supposed to" instead of what is, then I'll never heal. I want to heal. I want to think back to Xavier with joy not sadness. Joy because we finally got to feel like parents, joy because I got to touch him and hold him if only for a second, joy because I was blessed enough to feel God's power and peace in the delivery room that night with my closest family and friend.

I'm struggling, but I'm a survivor...

Things I'm not mad about

Ok, so this blog was going to be titled "I'm mad about stuff" Those of you who are closest to me know when you hear this phrase it's either time to grab the hard hat and run like hell, or pop some popcorn because there's about to be a show. However, as I was looking over my blog it has lots of negative, sad energy. The energy is understandable, burying your infant son when you just had minutes to spend with him would kick anyone right between the eyes. Even the most sane individual would crack with tragedy of that magnitude.

So, I decided to make a list of stuff that I'm not mad about. I'm growing increasingly tired of this "woe is me" thing I've got going on here. I'm not the "woe is me" type. I figured that this list will remind me that I have SOOOOO many things to be grateful for. So even when like this afternoon when a wave of dispair and intense sadness takes over, I have something to cling to. So here we go...

1. My husband...Jamie has been a absolute rock. When my very core was melting and my foundation was turning into quick sand, he's been there to throw me a life line and reel me back in. There are two people on this planet that when I'm with them I feel an absolute sense of safety. He's one and he shares that very small list with my daddy. Pretty impressive list huh?

2. Mom...my mom's better than you mom! :) This past Sunday she and I spent Mother's Day together playing in Galveston. We had the best time! I was dreading this Mother's Day on so many levels. I just really wanted to crawl in a hole until Sunday was over. However, it's mom's mother's day too and I wanted to celebrate with her. So I came up with the idea of just me and her going to hang out in Galveston for the day. It was all I was hoping for...fun, relaxing, memorable, and most importantly I didn't have to pretend to have fun. Her mother spidey senses kicked in and she knew when to talk and when to listen. It was amazing. Look how cute we are...

This is when we were playing in the water at what used to be Crystal Beach.

We were also playing with hats in one of the stores on the Strand. The tag on the hat actually says "Crazy Hat" Like we needed the explanation. LOL





3. That I have some AMAZING friends. Nothing happens by coincidence. I fully understand and believe that God puts people in our lives that will support us and keep us sane. One particular friend moved mountains to come to Xavier's memorial and somehow always manages to call at just the right time. I love him for that. There are a couple of other people that have been mentioned in previous blogs, without whom I'd probably be on the side of a road, slack jawed talking to mailboxes. You know who you are...

4. my job...as crazy as teaching jr. high can be. It has be a comfortable routine that I could fall back and rest on. Teaching is what I am made to do. It's my calling and it has been a constant. On that note, I can safely say that I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY ready for summer. I need to recharge my batteries, but I do love my job.

5. My faith...I've clung to it. I've mentioned in previous blogs that I was mad at God. Please don't confuse that with me giving up on God. Without church and my church family I would be a giant Mistylump. Sometimes I've clung by my fingernails, but none the less never let go.

6. I'm glad that Melissa made it to the finals in Dancing With the Stars. LOL...you didn't think this was all going to be serious did you?

7. I love my dogs...they are wildly intuitive. We could learn alot from dogs.

8. Our dinner and movie plans Saturday with great friends! Watch out Star Trek here we come. Do you know how hard it's been to hog tie Jamie so he wouldn't watch the movie before Saturday. WOW talk about a chore!

9. All TAKS are over. I loathe the TAKS with the fires of a thousand suns! Stupid state.

10. This one's more like an "I'm grateful" rather than things I'm not mad about. I'm glad that Mandy (sister) and I can still talk everyday and not be weird that I'm not pregnant and she is with her second. She understands how unbelievably difficult it is for me and I'm truly grateful for that. I do feel bad that we can't share the whole pregnancy thing, but I just can't do that right now and she gets that.

Wow, well I think this is a pretty awesome list. I feel better now. Feel free to comment or email. :)

Ode To TAKS

Ok so, blog time. I decided to blog blog blog. It's lots of fun and it's therepudic. Even though this is "my time cooking a baby" some other things will slip in there from time to time. This is one of them. So here ya are...

For those of you reading this that has never administered a TAKS test let me say it's nothing nice. You are REQUIRED to stand and watch them take the test. You are looking for cheating, sleeping, talking, etc. When you are entering into hour 3 you get a bit punchy and your mind begins to wander. This was the product of my wanderings. Enjoy.


TAKS test, oh TAKS test how I loathe thee,
with all of my heart & soul, and even some of my knee.
My certificate you threaten to take, you imprison me against my will,
leaving my career cold, dead, and still.

You leave the school in complete hysteria,
making us all wish for malaria.
No sleeping, no talking, no cheating please,
for that'll bring even the strongest teacher to her knees.

We are all a big ball of nerves, what purpose does all this serve?

If the seal they could not even break on their test,
this is destined to be a big idiot fest!
Morons you've created, degenerates they will all be
TAKS test, oh TAKS test how I loathe thee.


Ok, so the line about not being able to break the seal...there were two sections in this particular booklet. Science, which was taken today, and a Social Studies test to be taken tomorrow. The instructions called for them to break the seal on the Science section only. The instructions said for them to use the eraser end of their pencil or finger to break the seal. Now it's just one of those paper seals with the perforation on the edge...not kryptonite. It's designed to lift the first page and scoot your pencil or finger along the edge and voila broken seal. They were to raise their hand if they needed help. I HAD TWO 8TH GRADERS WHO COULDN'T BREAK THE SEAL!!! One was using her eraser like she was erasing a pencil mark (imagine a person taking a sticker off of a piece of paper by erasing it with a pencil) and the other one was trying to peal it off like a sticker. WOW....interesting day.

Will 24s always hurt?

I went dark, I disappeared. Self preservation, to maintain some sort of sanity, or homicide prevention...whatever the reason, sometimes it's just safer to hibernate. It's been since the middle of March since I blogged so I thought I'd finally come out long enough to say hey. Yesterday (April 24th or "the 24" as I call it) was exactly 2 months since Xavier was delivered. It was a rough day...24s hurt.

I've been through the whole gambit of emotions. You read about heart break and you think of some metaphorical literary artsy fartsy use of the word to signify deep emotional pain. There's nothing metaphorical about it...it's real and very very physical. I, at times, felt the literal pain in my chest from the indescribable emptiness and sadness. I felt like I couldn't take a deep breath for the heaviness in my chest. I totally get why unbalanced people would throw themselves off of a bridge. Luckily I'm a balanced insightful person. I'm SO SO SO blessed with a strong religious foundation, amazing family, an incredibly strong and faithful husband, and some of the best friends anyone could ask for. So no bridge jumping for me (like I'd ever consider that anyway...I'm way to cute to smash myself to pieces LOL)

I've had moments of intense anger. Unspeakable rage would blind me. The anger was generally not at anyone or anything specific. It was mostly at the unfairness of the whole situation. As much as it scares me to type this, I'll admit I was angry with God. He's the Great Physician right? The Great Healer? The Almighty? Well then if it's in His power to heal then why WHY didn't I get healed? He can do it, I've read about it, I've seen it. So why not me? Why not my baby? Wow, yeah can you say unhealthy? So yesterday when I woke up, as part of my morning ritual I was checking my email and stuff. A friend of mine sent me this cute little story about the goofy shenanigans a son was pulling in a public bathroom. It ended with "Isn't great to be a parent" I cracked...glue melted all over the place. How the hell would I know what it's like being a parent? Why would she send me that?? I stopped and prayed (well mostly yelled in unintelligible snotty desperation) God I'm SO tired of feeling SO hurt. Hurt is really not even a good word for it. It's not intense enough. I opened my eyes and continued on with the emails. The next one was a daily funny I get titled "A letter 'funny'" I opened it and this is what it was:

To My Child,

Good morning, this is GOD.

Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If you encounter a situation you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (Something For God To Do) box. It will be addressed in MY TIME, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it nor remove it. Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem. If it is a situation you think you are capable of handling, please consult me in prayer to be sure that it is the proper resolution. Because I do not sleep, nor do I slumber, there is no need for you to lose any sleep. Please rest my child.

If you need to contact me, I am only a prayer away. My prayer line is open 24 hours of your day. I love you and will always be with you wherever you may go. As with all good things, pass my message on.

Love, GOD

Wow... so yay for answered prayers. I know that He has a plan. I know that He's in charge not me. How dare I even think I'm more capable than Him. I need to work on the communication between my head and my heart.


So, one more thing before I go. People forget that we buried out son 8 weeks ago. Just 8 weeks. I screw on a happy face to go to work. I teach 140ish 8th graders. I can't be melting all over the place. And truth be told I like the mundane routine of it all. It keeps me going and makes me feel "normal". Sometimes though when the face I wear does not match my emotions it is exhausting. People only see (because that's all I let them see) my happy face. While my happy "normal" Misty moments drastically outweigh the manic throw a chair through the window moments, I still hurt. I still ache and I still want my baby inside me where he should have been at this point. Don't forget that my heart's still in pieces and sometimes it's all I can take to put one foot in front of the other. Be patient with me. There were two people, they are husband and wife actually, that called me on the 24. They knew "the 24" would kick my butt. One stopped by the house and one texted me. They were the only ones that remembered the 24. You know who you are...you are very special to me and my heart is lighter because of your compassion. Thank you on so many levels, thank you!

Our New Normal...losing the invisibility cloak

I've just spent 20ish minutes reading my blog from start to finish. Wow what a ride! Well we're figuring out what this new normal is supposed to look like. It's actually going fairly well. We have our moments, and I think we will always have those, but we're doing ok. We spent some time in San Antonio this past week. It was so nice and relaxing. We had a hotel room right on the riverwalk. It's like a whole different world down there. We were finally able to take a deep breath and just be us.

This morning we went to church. This is the first time since all of this has happened we chose to go anywhere public. I've been to wal-mart and things like that, but I mean with people we know and love. If you've ever experienced grief, you might understand that I wanted to be invisible. I wanted to throw on my little Harry Potter invisibility cloak and go. I was just too raw to handle questions and the well meaning how are ya's. I tell you it was SO nice being in church. Being surrounded by people we love and love us gave us a sense of calm and peace. We were extra brave and went to the Heritage Festival today too. And here's the biggie...Jamie's going back to work tomorrow. I go back next Monday.

So yeah our new normal is working out ok. My current hurdle is the whole "what could have been" mentality. I've pretty much processed the rest of it, but the what could have been is really throwing me. Seeing all the happy little kids on the rides waving at their mommies at the festival, Emmie (my niece) going up for children's moment at church, or seeing the cute Easter stuff I could've made Xavier's Easter basket with. I know it'll get easier...

According to KFDM weather's report, after today there should be no more rain. I plan on working in some flower beds. That's my therapy. I'll do some processing then. If you see me outside working, stop by and say hi! I may be stinky, nasty, and covered in dirt, but I'll sure be happy to see you! :)

Shifting Gears

When you find out you're going to have a baby, things begin to change. Not just your body, but things like getting the baby's room ready, getting a different car to house the baby seat, and thoughts of what type of parent you are going to be. You begin to shift into this Mommy and Daddy (provider) role. You are no longer just a loving couple that is only responsible for yourselves, you now have another life to attend to. You begin to dream things like what will they look like, will they be smart, what kind of discipline will they need to grow and not need therapy later. Then all the firsts come to mind like birthday, Christmas, school...

Then all that comes crashing down. At only 21 weeks our baby was too little to survive out here. So now it's a whole new kind of change. We have to shift gears again. Back to what I'm not sure. Normal is a good option, but normal was life before baby. We can't pretend we didn't have a baby, because we did. And a pretty darn cute one at that. :) So I think that's my biggest hang up right now. Shifting gears...

I'm blessed, honored, and I thank God everyday that I have Jamie and that we have such an amazing relationship. Whatever shifting there is I know we'll do it together. Like he said the other day to Peter...We were made for each other.

Sometimes it just plain hurts

We've made a life time of decisions in a two week period. I'm done with decisions. Sometimes it just plain hurts. I was ok today (today was the day we talked to the funeral home and cemetery) until we went out to Oak Bluff and they showed us where Xavier will be buried. Never knew four little red flags would melt my glue so quickly. Ouch...

My reality check has bounced

Oh how interesting reality can be. From delivering a 22 week old baby to buying burial plots. Wow what a REAL couple of weeks. I am surprised how not weird all of this seems. A couple of weeks ago this experience was the absolute worst possible scenario. While it's still unbelievably heart wrenching, it all seems like such a blessing. Let me explain that, because even reading this on the screen it looks odd. It's a blessing in the following ways:

1. I got to finally feel what it is like to be a mother and hold our baby. That never ever ever seemed real until that very moment it happened.

2. Birth and death are natural parts of life. I've heard that and understand the words, but I never truly comprehended the meaning until this week. We are so fragile and God made us, ya know that whole ashes to ashes thing. But to be a part of that and witness the true and absolute miracle of the whole process is quite humbling.

3. I have a much better understanding of my body and how it works. I have a new found respect for particular bodily functions and gravity. I also understand that being the size I am really complicates things. So as soon as I'm released from Dr. Cunningham I'm headed back to Anytime.

4. I appreciate health care professionals on a whole new level. Let's take Dr. Cunningham for example. She is like no other doctor I've ever met. She's professional, but has a level of caring that I've never experienced before. After our big ultrasound in Houston on that Thursday we had more questions. On Friday we wanted to talk to Dr. Cunningham and get some answers. We never could get the office to pick up the phone so we just showed up at her office and asked if she could see us. Without hesitation she saw us and spent quite a bit of time explaining and answering all of our questions. Also, all the nurses at St. Mary's were great. We were amazed at them and all of the tasks they do. Take Tracey for example, she's the one who actually delivered Xavier. Once she saw that I was about to deliver she made things happen. It was like a well choreographed dance. She delivered our baby, finished up with me, came back to help me shower, changed my sheets, and cleaned my room like nothing had ever happened. It wasn't just all "let's just get this done". She took care of my needs medically, but she was also compassionate enough to keep me calm and reassured. We heard her sniffle as Brandi, the other nurse, handed us Xavier. That takes quite a special person to pull all of that off.

5. We are so blessed by our family and friends. I've said this in previous blogs, but the love that we've seen from sending flowers, to phone calls, to meals prepared for us, without that love and support we wouldn't have made it through this. No one should have to go though something like this alone. We didn't have to and we are truly blessed and grateful.

I'm sure there are more that I just haven't processed yet. But this is the whole of it here.

Xavier Thomas Cohrt

Xavier Thomas Cohrt was delivered at 8:35 p.m. February 24, 2009. He was 15oz and 10 1/2 inches long. It all went smoothly and very quickly once the medicine took effect. It was a beautiful experience. During the course of the day yesterday the nursing staff would ask us questions trying to prepare us for the inevitable. One of the big questions was if Jamie and I wanted to see the baby after we delivered. We had both pros and cons. On one hand they could just take him away and we could file it away and never think about it again or we could see him and bond. We decided it would be better for us to see him and hold him. It was the most amazing experience of our lives. I always wondered what it was like to hold our child...now I know. He was perfectly shaped and formed. We looked at his face, his fingernails, his 10 perfect fingers and toes and we held his hands. It was truly beautiful and such a blessing. My parents and our pastor came in and we all held him and prayed over Xavier. There are really no words to explain the comfort and peace we all felt at that moment. Xavier knew nothing but love. It was the best worst day of our lives.

We especially want to thank my parents for their unending love and support. We also want to thank Peter Cammarano, our pastor, who spent better part of yesterday up here with us. The nursing staff here at St. Mary's went above and beyond to help us and make us comfortable. We are truly blessed. This is starting to sound like an acceptance speech, but we are so honored and blessed from all of the emails, messages, phone calls and top notch care by both Dr. Cunningham and the nursing staff that it is impossible to express thanks appropriately.

We'll have some recovery time of course and we are planning on taking a vacation. It'll take time to heal, but through all the love, support and prayers we'll surely survive and move on.

End of the road

This is it...we've reached the end. My doctor came last night to talk to us. I have a low grade temp, I'm still leaking amniotic fluid, and there is tenderness where there shouldn't be. My levels are back down to .9. And the baby's heartbeat dropped yesterday because it was leaning against the chord. With the infection setting in it's just a matter of time before I go into labor. If we wait until I get sicker then there's a health risk to me and my future fertility. I'm only in week 21 and a baby is not viable until 24. We tried everything we know how to do and still it didn't work. It worked for a while if you've read my previous blogs, but it didn't stay that way. So today we've decided to induce labor. It will not be easy, but it needs to be done. We want to thank every body for all the prayers. Physically this might be over today, but emotional this will go on for a while. I would appreciate continued prayers to help Jamie and I make it through this.

A setback??

So far we've been doing pretty good. We've had a couple of ups and downs but overall ok. Yesterday I was feeling a little achy borderline crampy and I've been losing some small amounts of fluid a couple of times a day. When they did my vitals yesterday morning my temp went up a bit. The doctor ordered a ultrasound and a blood count. Blood count went up a bit and my temp was up which are all signs of infection. However, I woke up feeling ok today and my temp is back to normal. I'm supposed to hear from my doctor today so maybe she'll have more information for me. We'll see...in the mean time keep praying!!

One week down

Today officially makes one week that I've been in here. There's really no update to speak of. Dr. Long came in this morning and told me we're still making progress and we're going to keep up with what we are doing. Dr Cunningham should be back Monday and I suspect there will be another ultrasound that day. On the whole grade scheme of things it hasn't been bad. I get to lay around and let people wait on me. Problem with that is I have to lay around and let people wait on me. I'm a fiercely independent person. So the frustration level is pretty high. But we got great news a couple of days ago and we're making progress...so here I am. I'm really blessed that I have some great people who call, visit, and email. It always seems that I get a phone call or email just the time I need it. So thank you!! Keep checking back for more updates and please keep praying! We really would like to hold our Poppy! :)

**Poppy is what we've been calling our baby. We got tired of saying "it" and one of the updates at the very beginning said it was the size of a poppy seed so it kinda stuck! And since we still don't know what the sex is, we're sticking with Poppy!

Ups and Downs and Ups and Downs

Wow talk about one heck of a roller coaster ride of emotions! Ok, so far this has been a pretty much wait and see kinda thing here. I was admitted to the hospital to get fluids with the main objective to get my amniotic level where is should be so the baby can develop. My previous post talked about the ultrasound and how well it went. It showed pockets of fluid! YAY so whatever we're doing is working. WOOHOO.

So little detour in the story, this morning I woke up around 6ish and I quickly realized that I had lost a good amount of fluid just since waking up and turning over. I immediately panicked and called the nurse. She confirmed that I lost fluid and was going to call the doctor. He (Dr. Long, sitting in for Cunningham being out of town) came to talk to me and told me that it was possible that the process of turning over might have exposed the tear and I was leaking again. He wanted me to stay on the fluids and he wanted an ultrasound done. We had the ultrasound around 10is and then the waiting began. For those of you that don't know me, I don't do waiting very well. The nurse (Tonya...if this is Mindy reading this) came in and told me there was some good news.

The optimal level of fluid should be 11. I'm not sure 11 whats, but I know 11 is good. Normal would be considered from 9-11. My first ultrasound I had was 0 which is why they put me in here. The ultrasound on Tuesday was a 1, which is good because what we were doing was working. Today when they did the ultrasound I'm at a 5.6!!! Even with the amount I lost this morning I'm still at a 5.6! So I have to keep with what I'm doing. I'm no longer allowed to roll on my right side (side I was laying on when all this started) and we'll check in a couple of days to see my progress. This is still a day to day thing, but we are definitely heading in the right direction! I'm seeing some wonderful things happen here. Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. Yay God!

Really early to tell...

We were getting some positive vibes from the ultrasound today. It's way early to tell, but I asked at one point what she was measuring and she said the pockets of fluid. Compared to the last time when they said there was no measurable fluid that's a step forward. Of course I haven't heard anything official from the doctor, but I felt good about it. Yay God...yay prayers!

4th day excitment

Well here I am...I'm easing into my 4th day at St. Mary's. Overall on the whole grand scheme of things it's been ok. Once I got past this feeling of helplessness and peeing in a plastic bucket it was a lot easier. As most of you know I have control freak tendencies and would rather do things myself and not ask anyone for help. So I've had to make some interesting adjustments.

There's really nothing to report at this point. It's only been a few days and not much can change in that amount of time. She (Dr. Cunningham) did say she wanted to do an ultrasound today to see if there is any progress. She told me not to expect much change at this point, but it'll give us a look to see if there's any changes and another good baseline.

Through this ordeal, I've come to realize that we have surrounded ourselves with some pretty amazing people. I've gotten so many phone calls and visitors that I am truly blessed. The power of prayer and positive thinking can do some wonderful things. So for those of you who have been in contact with us or praying for us, thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Like I said though, considering the circumstance, it's been ok. I have plenty of entertainment and people to keep me company. God can do some amazing things and I'm interested to see what He has in store for us. Thanks again for you love, support, and prayers!

Welcome!

Hey Hey Hey!! Welcome to my blog. We are so blessed and appreciative of all of the thoughts and prayers. I thought having this blog might help keep everyone updated. So enjoy, read, and comment!

This was my original message sent via myspace and facebook:

Ok so here's the story. I'm 20 weeks pregnant and thrilled to death. It wasn't easy getting pregnant, but once it happened it's been pretty smooth sailing. Monday I had my routine ultrasound. My doctor calls me that afternoon and tells me that my fluids looked low. I had an appointment with her the next day and she said we could talk about it more then. It was at that appointment that everything crashed around us. She told us that there was very little fluid and they couldn't see the kidneys. There were tons of reasons for the problem and she wanted me to go to a specialist in Houston to have a better look at what might be causing the problem. The appointment was yesterday and it was determined that there was a tear and I was leaking amniotic fluid. Without this fluid the baby would stop growing and developing and I would get an infection. The infection would cause me to go into labor and I would loose the baby. He gave us two options: 1. terminate pregnancy 2. wait and see what happens but there could be some serious problems with the baby ranging from no lungs to severe mental retardation. As you might imagine we were not happy with either option. We were facing the hardest decision you might imagine. This was the epitome of all rocks and hard places. We still had questions to be answered, so we went back to my local doctor today to see if there was anything at all we could do. She suggested that I be admitted into the hospital and be under complete bed rest. They will hook me up to IVs and I will drink tons of water and see if we can get the fluid levels back where they belong. They can also monitor me for infections and have antibiotics at the ready in case there's a problem. She said we will be able to see if that will work in about a week. We are taking it day by day. Hoping and praying that a miracle will happen. I'm a fighter and we intend to do everything in our power to make this happen. Doctors know alot, I know SOME stuff, but it's God that gives us the power and strength to survive. So I would GREATLY appreciate prayers. I will be in St. Mary's Hospital for the next week at least. I'll keep you posted and updated on what's going on! Thank you!